We always hear about post-partum depression but never just about the general mental health struggles that mothers face. The days where we just feel as though nothing is in our favour. The thoughts that surround and torment us during waking hours, feelings we just can’t shake no matter how hard we try. That pit of loneliness and jealousy we find ourselves falling into as familiar faces turn into acquaintances over time.
We don’t talk about the day to day lives of mothers struggling just to even go to the toilet in peace, something we once took for granted before having children. A box of chocolates that we try to indulge ourselves in until we hear the pitter patter of little feet coming to interrupt our treat, the one thing we had looked forward to at the end of a tiring day.
Our daily routines work us on auto-pilot, functioning us to become robot-like as we list all the to-do’s to make it run smoothly. Wake up, breakfast, clean, play, lunch… etc. Then as the children go to bed our minds can’t relax, doing the final sweep over the house before bedtime. Any non-parent would see our time to relax would be once they’re in bed, time to spend with our partners or friends.. but this is far from the truth. Because In the evenings is where we prepare the plans for the following day and our relationship with our partners quietly suffer as our focal point is the children and making sure our plans are done down to a T.
The comfort we used to find in our partners are now gone and the list of chores for each other piles up, making our time “spent together” really spent with housework and the ever-growing list of responsibilities. The touch we used to crave from them now slowly disappearing as exhaustion takes over, all that intimacy built up overtime remaining in our heads as we convince ourselves that can wait, the kids come first. Insecurities that arise at the peak hours of dawn whilst we feed the child we made together that wonder whether our partner is attracted to us or if that ship sailed as our child was birthed. The time in our routine to give love to one another clouded by thoughts of doubt in one another as we wonder why each other hasn’t made a move of intimacy. But the problems that we know are there are never addressed due to the uncertainty of how each other will react to such allegations made against each other.
The feeling of loneliness of parents isn’t due to just our friendships being lost in the stages of our children’s growth. No. The feeling of loneliness creeps in when our family and friends ask just how our kids are and don’t take into consideration that we may want an adult conversation. When our partners crawl into bed at night and only leave us with a goodnight kiss, then drift into sleep peacefully as we lay awake wondering if they want to converse with us. As the people we once knew fade into the distance and continue with their careers, lunch dates and nights out whilst we stay in and try to plan an impossible routine.
I’m sure all parents understand that feeling of locking yourself into the bathroom to shed a few needed tears, washing your face and returning to the outside world with a fake smile on your face. Because you see, the problem isn’t the children, the problem is that people disregard you when you have said children. They treat you as though you’re incapable of doing anything without your children and if you do, they then judge you on the fact you have lived a life of your own for a few hours. That you’ve regained your identity and feel as though you are yourself again for just a short span of time.
The hobbies you once enjoyed to do fall to the back of your head as you focus on the kids classes and lessons to learn, putting their development ahead of your own needs. All lessons needed to be taught to your kids and the time spans flood your head as you compete with all the guidelines and children that excel in these areas. The pressure you put on yourself slowly tearing you down as you believe you’ve never done a good job, no matter how much effort you’ve put into the tasks. Because to you… someone is always doing better than you and to you.. you’ll always be judged on one thing or another.
Now a non-parent may believe all these feelings start once your child is born, but that’s not the case. These feelings start during the first trimester of pregnancy. When you’re left out of plans as your friends think it’s impossible for a pregnant person to sit in a group and not drown themselves in alcohol. That you must be so tired to even receive an invite would be preposterous, a simple token just to prove they were thinking about you. A baby shower will be one of the things you’re invited to, but then again, is that about you? No. Everything from the moment you see them two lines on a test, a positive result that leads you to a version of life that resilience is vital to your survival.
The lesson from this blog post for all the non-parents, family members, friends of parents is please check on them and just them sometimes. What you may not realise is parents will only scream in silence and not aloud until everything has consumed them and that they are at the end of their tether. Another lesson, if a parent does speak and open up, please do not take it as a complaint about their kids or their lives, maybe they just need to have a rant and halve their problems as they share them. Maybe they just need to feel like themselves in that moment and not be called mum or dad for just a minute whilst they open up about daily stresses.
I hope this makes you think about the realities of parenting and that it’s not as easy as social media makes out. Welcome to the blog that posts the truth on parenting and doesn’t dabble around the hardships of it.
Keep smashing it mums and dads, you’re doing amazing 😊
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